"squirrel-ducks" by Barry Lorne, newly hung in living-room
I've got news. I've got really big news. I've been sitting on this news for a few days because it's the kind of news you have to share with family and close friends in person, and because, too, I needed time to process it, and because, honestly, it didn't seem real.
Here is a milestone. X marks the spot. I stood in my living-room on Monday afternoon with the phone pressed to my ear, and it seems it was sunny, as I struggled to absorb what my agent was telling me: that we'd had a pre-emptive bid for my new novel, Girl Runner, from HarperCollins in the United States. The terrific editor to whom I'd spoken earlier that afternoon wanted to buy the book. Now.
Yeah. My agent had told me I'd want to be sitting down. I told her, no way, I'm too jittery, but she was right. I had to sit down. Then I had to tell Kevin before anyone else. I texted him to come home right now. The kids, who'd been listening in with interest in the background, had to wait, but Kevin hurried. Maybe he actually ran. (As there'd been a fair bit of whirlwind build-up over the previous week, he guessed what my news might be.) Albus was so excited he hugged me spontaneously. AppleApple wanted to take photos to mark the occasion.
it was really sunny
I felt weirdly calm.
And then there was supper to make, and swim team practice, and gymnastics, and by the time all of that was done, and the kids were tucked into bed, it was after 9, and Kevin, buzzing with excitement, was off to a soccer game. I was glad to see that he and the kids were excited, because I felt ... well, I suppose it was shock.
It was the shock of a long-held dream becoming reality. In an instant. I couldn't take it in.
I slept surprisingly soundly that night, and woke early to meditate. (Side note: so far, I'm really bad at meditating. My brain seems to think this is useful planning and organizing time, and it's damn near impossible to get it to alight for more than an instant on my chosen mantra. But I won't be discouraged!)
After a night of processing the news, and after my agent convinced me afresh that this was really happening, I was able to come around to two overwhelming emotions.
I'm helping to support my family. I can see the burden lifted off of Kevin. It's almost like something visible has been lifted from his shoulders. Most critically, and here is where relief and gratitude mingle most strongly: I'm getting to do what I love. That's what all of this means. I'm going to sit here and write books. That's all I want to do. I'm not even very good at much else.
I loved writing Girl Runner. My mind is already teeming with another book idea, although there are more edits and revisions to tackle first. I probably can't quite comprehend what it will be like to be part of the publicity push to bring Girl Runner to an audience, especially in a new market. I've never even been to New York! I sound like a little country mouse. Maybe I am. But I'm ready. I'm more than ready. I've been working my whole life for this, and whatever comes, however it tips me sideways, lifts me up, knocks me down, challenges and changes me, my arms are wide open. My eyes are wide open. My mind is wide open.
You've been part of this, too, you know. All who've read and commented and emailed encouragement, support, worry, kindness. You're here, too. Thank you.
Labels: career, editing, gifts, good news, gratitude, money, The Girl Runner, work, writing