In today's yoga class, which seemed to catch me feeling more tired than usual, I kept thinking: this sucks and it's hard. Fortunately, the instructor seemed to catch the vibe (which might have been everyone else's too, who knows), and asked us to take our thoughts elsewhere if something negative was coming up. So, I changed it to: this is challenging, and it might be rewarding. Not quite thoroughly positive, but all I could muster. And it helped.
This week's classes have brought out a few Big Thoughts. One, that I always have a little more to give. I always do. I don't think that I do, I can't imagine it could be possible, but if asked to give a little more, reach a little further, hold a pose a little longer ... it's there. I can. This is a strengthening metaphor for the whole of my life. The only thing holding me from giving more is my own belief that I'm spent, and that I can't.
That said, my other Big Thought was that pushing toward my potential is a delicate balance of being compassionate while asking more of myself. Compassion isn't about letting someone off the hook, it's about recognizing the frailty and vulnerability and strength in another person. Even if that person is oneself. The more I practice yoga, the more open I become to accepting my weaknesses, and the difference in my practice from session to session. It's humbling. Some days I feel strong and energetic. Other days it is more of a struggle. And pushing through on the days of struggle leave me with a greater sense of accomplishment afterward, while on my strong days the sense of accomplishment is accessible within the practice itself.
In other news ... CJ has been peeing on his potty with more consistency--and a lot of pride. The other evening, he timed it with dinner and got a hearty standing ovation from his family. I am almost considering hunting in the attic for some toddler-sized underpants, but I'm not sure how quickly to move with that next step, especially since he gets cared for out of the house and by other people more often than the other children did at the same potty-training point. At this point in the training, once the body awareness is there, it's a pretty big leap to being consistent all day long. It requires an adult with spidey-senses on the alert. Full-time. For at least a week or two. And when training this early, it also requires spare pants in the diaper bag. If he's ready, I'm ready. No pushing.
Finally, can I just say ... I was pretty disappointed in myself for not enjoying March break more. More precisely, for not enjoying being with my children non-stop during March break more. However, it did make clear that last summer's writing holiday will not be happening this summer, not unless I crave a nervous breakdown. I've become accustomed to having time to pursue my own work. I need it now. Even when it sucks and it's hard. Because, yes, it is also challenging and potentially rewarding.
Labels: Big Thoughts, potty training, spirit, writing, yoga